up, down, up...down.

i knew the stint of happiness would be short lived. i've been on a high the last few days and now i'm back on a low. i was called into myer today and had a terrible time. i won't go into it, but had a teary moment when a couple of friends came in. don't you hate it when you try your hardest to keep it together untill you see a familar face and then just drop your bundle. it's hard to describe to someone what a 'low' feels like if they haven't experienced depression themselves or seen someone else close to them deal with it.

a 'low' can come out of nowhere, it might be something small that triggers it off or it might be a string of shitty events that eventually wear you down. when the low strikes, it engulfs you; every part of your body feels heavy and wretched and dark. it might sound melodramatic, but you begin to question your worth and the point of living. on a low you're a walking contradiction. you hate what you like and like what you hate. it's crazy, but you can't help it when your brain is so jumbled. despite knowing that many people care for you, you feel alone and isolated. it becomes a vicious cycle, the feelings of isolation feed the depression and the depression keeps you isolated. you look to certain people to try and make you feel better, to provide you with some comfort or sorts, and when they disappoint, which is usually the case, you become angry and resentful. but the truth is, they can't save you and it's not their responsibility to do so. no one can save you from the demons in your own mind.

it's sad to say but the depression controls me, i don't control it. sometimes i manage to gain hold of the reins, not for long though as the depression is much stronger than i am. i really, really don't want to be forced to go on meds again. i just don't know what to do. i hate this.