tip of the iceberg.

my apologies for being m.i.a of late- it's been a rough (although enlighening) few weeks. it has now been six months that i've been unwell. six fucking months. i know in the grand scheme of things six months isn't that long really when you consider those who spend years battling cancer or something. nonetheless, words cannot describe how utterly exhausted and over it i am. i feel like i've been through the fucking ringer. after months of seeing various mental health professionals with miminal progress in terms of my recovery both my optimism and willpower to contine this battle were definitely dwindling. throughout this time not only have i struggled to find the correct path back to optimal health, but have been completely baffled by the source behind the onset of this disorder. i have racked my brain countless times trying to come up with some sort of logical explanation to justify this monster creeping up on me so unexpectedly, however, all my carefully constructed theories, my extensive research and even my psych background have amounted to nothing but a bunch of loose ends. a whole lot of unanswered questions. now i like a good mystery as much as the next person, but not one that can't be solved and not one that is occuring in my own body!

the past four weeks has been a month of revelations. finally the pieces to this puzzle are starting to fit together. *warning 'woman talk' coming up*. with each month that has passed throughout this ordeal, i began noticing a slight pattern to the severity of the anxiety (and depression for that matter). mid way through my menstrual cycle and the week prior to getting my period were the worst- standard pms i assumed. the week following my period i felt somewhat 'anxiety free', although the relief was only temporary. i discussed these observations with the facilitator of my group therapy, and while she reassured me that hormonal changes can influence a person's mood who has a predisposition to mental illness, she suggested that maybe i should make an appointment with an endocrine (hormone specialist). feeling like i'd exhausted all other avenues and in sheer desperation i did exactly that. i started seeing dr callighan two months ago and the first thing he asked me to do was stop taking the pill (which i'd been on since i was 16 or so) so he could do some tests and examine what my natural hormones were doing. i followed his instructions and patiently waited for my system to rid itself of seven years of synthetic hormones. my first cycle off the pill was okay, i didn't feel much different to be honest. this past cycle, however- oh my god, i turned into some psycho bitch from an R rated horror movie. i can positively say i have never felt more out of control and more scared of myself. the bad stuff started happening from ovulation onwards- extreme anxiety, panic attacks, suicidal type depression, bouts of uncontrollable crying, an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and more self-loathing than ever. my beloved hair started falling out in clumps (dismiss my psych's diagnosis for this below), my skin became dehydrated, i kept getting urinary tract infections which antibiotics couldn't clear up and generally felt like fucking shit. here is a snippet from my personal journey that i wrote around this time...

"i am now so completely and utterly absorbed in my own misery that i simply cannot comprehend anything beyond this, and the truth is i am scared. i am deeply frightened by the way i am feeling. i am scared to live, and i am scared to die. i feel like i'm biding my time on some strange middle ground suspended between life and death just waiting for fate to swing me one way or another. i imagine this scenario is precisely what people have in mind when they describe 'limbo'. in latin the term means edge or boundary, referring to the 'edge' of hell. well i am definitely in limbo, on la la land, on another fucking planet for all i know. i feel like this intricate tangle of problems has become such a knotted mess that i simply do not have the ability or energy to continue trying to unravel everything. my body aches. every part of my being aches. but most of all my soul aches, aching for some form of relief. desperately searching for the key to unlock the source of my eternal misery so i can finally heal before it's too late".

by day twenty-one hanging myself with an extension cord from a gum tree in my parent's front yard was becoming all too tempting so i promptly got on the phone and demanded an explanation from my poor endocrine as to why i had so rapidly gone from an anxious person to a nutcase in the span of a couple of weeks. thankfully this 'experiment' as he called it wasn't a total waste of time. the blood tests revealed quite a significant hormonal imbalance- basically i produce too much oestrogen in comparison to progesterone and all my symptoms, both psychological and physical were characteristic of 'oestrogen dominance'. the doctor believes that i've probably had this imbalance since adolescence but the pill had been somewhat artifically regulating my hormones and masking the symptoms. apparently over time synthetic progesterone contained in the pill can hinder your body's ability to produce its own natural progesterone and in turn contribute to depression and anxiety. i'm still trying to get my head around all this as for years now i've been told by mainstream medical pracitioners that my mental illness is the result of a chemical imbalance, some kind of trauma, genetics or a personality thing (which i haven't entirely ruled out) but when i reflect on my history as a 'woman' and the reaction i had when coming off the pill i am increasingly convinced that all my troubles could be hormonal.

dr callighan aims to naturally get my hormones in balance again through the use of bio-identical progesterone cream so i hopefully start feeling better. it's all a bit trial and error getting the dose correct and monitoring my symptoms throughout the month as my hormones fluctuate, however i'm trying to remain positive that this treatment has the potential to make me feel the best i've felt since entering the turbulent phase of puberty.

a lot of the time i resent my anxiety. it has stole so much from me in a mere six months, but i also feel thankful for it because it has posed as a valuable warning sign that something greater has been happening below the surface that i've been totally unaware of. i hate to think of how many women out there are experiencing the same kind of issues, being labelled as 'mentally unstable' and fed anti-depressants or similar. a 'band-aid' is not a solution, and i refuse to resort to this. i am determined to fix the root cause of my anxiety/depression so i can at last move the fuck on with my life and enjoy being a healthy, happy twenty-three year old.