slipping away.

i can feel it coming, like a storm approaching overhead. i feel restless and aggitated for i know that it will push me into that dark place again, that black hole of despair. all i can do is wait...wait for it to arrive, and then, consume me, suffocate me...reach deep inside and drain me of any happiness and optimism that may have formed when i was feeling stronger. when its had its fix, it moves on and leaves me a hollow wreck in its wake.

i'm on the verge of having a depressive episode. i think it's been brewing for a couple of weeks now. i have no energy or motivation to do anything, even speaking seems draining. despite having slept for eight- ten hours each night, i wake up feeling exhausted. i haven't really eaten for a week, not because i'm starving myself, i simply have no appetite. everything tastes bland and i can't handle anything solid in my stomach. i've been drinking up&go meal substitutes to avoid passing out.

when i'm like this the house becomes neglected. i don't seem to notice that the blinds are shut and curtains drawn 24/7, or that the dishes sitting in the kitchen sink have started to grow mould, or that rubbish day was monday and the bins are still sitting on the sidewalk three days later...and if i do notice, i feel too apathetic to care. i find bathing, dressing myself and attemping to look presentable enough of a daily chore, let alone anything else. i've taken several sick days from work lately because the anxiety is too intense to step foot out my front door and the teary outbursts are too regular.

the worst thing about having an episode like this though is the overwhelming feeling of misery that extends right down into the pit of my stomach. if there was a bodily fluid called 'sadness' my every organ would be saturated in it. misery is heavy and lonely, it makes you feel small and helpless in a world that is seemingly crashing down around you. it clouds your perspective and drives you to do irrational or self-destructive things. being in a state of misery makes you desperate..desprate to find a crutch that will ease the pain, whether that be a person, a substance, a habit or similar. it truly is awful.

i guess i've had so many of these episodes now i can feel when i'm starting to slip away..they say knowledge is power, but in the case of depression i feel powerless.