update.



i woke up this morning feeling a strong need to summarize where shit is at for me right now in terms of my recovery from this damn anxiety disorder. experience tells me that if i can see my thoughts written down in front of me some clarity is restored in my chaotic mind.

the last couple of weeks have been a little hectic. my anxiety levels have been fluctuating daily which makes it extremely difficult to function, especially on a day when my levels are through the roof and the accompanying symptoms are severe. the fucked thing is there's no real way of predicting when a 'bad day' will be, i literally have to wake up each morning and roll with whatever anxiety throws at me. my panic attacks aren't occuring as often throughout the day but wake me during the night which is probably worse. the obvious difference between daytime attacks and nocturnal attacks is the fact that during the day i am already awake and can feel the panic brewing, therefore i am better able to implement the strategies i have learnt to alleviate the panic and get the attack under control. nocturnal attacks are more frightening simply because there is no time to prepare for the attack, once i wake up i am already in full blown panic mode and not to mention pretty disorientated/ confused from being woken so suddenly by this monster. these are usually the times when i need to pop a valium as it is near impossible to settle back down. being disrupted from my sleep on a regular basis like this fuels the anxiety as i become too worried about going to sleep at night in case i wake up in a horrible panic attack. lack of sleep then adds to the anxiety and round and round the vicious cycle continues.

in addition, my depression has reared its ugly head in a big way lately, however i feel that this form of depression differs from my usual depression to some degree. i think that this state of depression is a secondary condition to the anxiety and i suppose a natural response to the impact this disorder is currently having on my life and my strength of character. self harm and suicidal notions run through my head daily, and although i am pretty confident in saying i would never act upon these ideas (particularly suicide) it is a pretty dark frame of mind to be trapped in.

all of these factors combined makes an A-grade recipe for creating one hell of an unstable/ unhappy/ totally lost individual which is basically what i am at present in a nut shell. while i can see that i am making progress and the overall trend of my recovery is ascending, the process is much slower than i anticipated and its style is very much one step forward, five steps back.

after a lot of deliberation i unexpectedly made the decision to go back to uni part time and start the masters in counselling and psychotherapy i was accepted into. i enrolled in two subjects which are intensives, therefore only go for a few full days each over the first semester. my psychologist seemed to think that gradually returning to uni would be a positive step forward in helping me re-connect with the outside world and provide me with a sense of direction which i am severely lacking. i have always aimed to be a productive/ high achieving/ perfectionist type of person so the predicament that this anxiety disorder has forced me into (ie. unemployed/ socially isolated/ diminished independence/ future goals put on hold etc) is doing absolutely nothing for my self-confidence. i find it very difficult to adopt a 'that's okay' attitude towards not being able to engage in these aspects of life as they are very important to me and form many of my core values.

in terms of medication, i saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he recommended that i replace my use of valium with xanax as it's proven to be a faster acting/ greater anti-anxiety type of benzodiazepine. the dose is stronger than the valium so i was down with that, obviously still being mindful of their addictive nature. thus far i have been reluctant to take anti-depressants due to a bad experience in the past..and being a vain bitch..and wanting the satisfaction of overcoming this battle predominantly without the aid of meds. considering my depression is becoming worse though the longer this anxiety disorder drags on, the psych suggested we have another look at the possibility of starting one. we discussed my issues surrounding weight gain, which in my opinion is probably worthy of its own one hour appointments and he prescribed me cymbalta which is an SNRI that (allegedly) has a low rate of weight gain as a side effect. he said he'd leave it up to me as to whether i feel comfortable starting it or not..i'm not sure what i'll do about that yet. there is a good chance the prescription will remain unfilled and be shoved into a drawer alongside the likes of zoloft, prozac, lexapro etc which never made it to a pharmacy either. ultimately the deal with anti d's is a case of my vanity vs my sanity; it always has been and probably always will be until i can overcome my obsession with having the perfect figure.

thankfully i have some great supports available to me which i will continue to draw upon, namely a psychologist that i resonate with/ my psychiatrist/ group therapy (which i need to attend more regularly)/ my naturopath/ the disability support service at uni/ my family and a handful of understanding, empathetic friends.

i will endeavour to continue doing the following activities which i have found helpful: exercise, exercise, exercise! building up my exposure to anxiety-provoking situations, practicing meditation/ breathing exercises, trying to remain optimistic and making the most of my current circumstances as shitty as they may be, surrounding myself with positive people/ influences, respecting my boundaries but also challanging them, eating small amounts as nauseous as i may feel, knowing when to say 'no' and being okay with that, writing, writing, writing! reading self-help books and gaining as much knowledge/ information as i can, keeping active and busy, listening to my body and finally, reminding myself that sooner or later "this too shall pass" ( i think i need this proverb tattooed on my wrist as a permanent reminder!).

well i think you've all probably heard enough of my crazy for now, and i certainly feel a bit better after typing all that heavy crap out. on a lighter note, i've recently made some winter purchases that i'm eager to share and i'm in the process of preparing for my first giveaway which is a little exciting, so stay tuned!