defeated.

 

i've caved and started anti-depressants (cymbalta 30mg to be exact).

i've fought fucking hard to avoid having to resort to this..

and my psychiatrist has fought equally as hard to try and medicate me.

i'm scared as absolute hell about potentially gaining weight,

and i feel so disappointed in myself that i've finally succumb to a chemical aid.
 i should be stronger than this. i know i'm stronger than this- but not at present.
i feel like a failure..but the truth is i cannot live like this anymore.

my quality of life has suffered so much over the past twelve months and it kills me seeing time slip away and my dreams being held on the backburner whilst i  continue existing in this warped reality inside my head.   

i have agreed to trial the SNRI for a month at minimum (i know that it takes this long for the meds to start taking effect) but have firmly stated that if for some reason my weight begins to escalate then i will promptly discontinue the treatment.

i know to most this rationale would seem pretty ridiculous, particularly if the cymbalta successfully stabilised my mood and decreased my anxiety, but unfortunately my issues surrounding my weight/ shape/ size are insanely controlling, and being a perfectionist by nature makes me a slave to this disordered thinking. i'm working with my psychologist to try and conquer my obsession with being rail thin and to establish some more healthy beliefs about my image and sense of self-worth, however this is a work in progress.

i'll let you know how i get on.