making peace.

those who have followed my blog from the beginning will know that my turbulent relationship with T has been a significant part of my life over the last 2-3 years. even after he left adelaide early last year, we still remained in contact semi-regularly until i totally cut ties with him just after i got ill. to be honest, even if i wanted to continue our 'on-off relationship', which was nothing short of destructive to the both of us, i was so disabled by my unexpected plunge into psychological mayhem that for the first time since having met T i knew that i literally did not have the mental capacity to play anymore games and my health had to become my number one priority. we hadn't engaged in any form of communication for over ten months, in fact the last i heard he had a new girlfriend. then the other day i randomly received a facebook message from him asking how i was going. i had mixed feelings about hearing from him, partly because i was wary of his intentions (he's always had a knack for waltzing in and out of my life at his leisure and managing to make me become hooked on him all over again) and partly because so much has happened to me since we last spoke. i feel very guarded right now because of how fragile i've been both mentally and physically since i became ill. i feel i need to protect myself from any unnecessary drama that has the potential to be too emotionally draining.

despite this, being ill for such a long period of time has taught me so many valuable lessons which i am very grateful for. this time last year i would have described myself as an A-grade hater. to put it bluntly, so many things fucked me off. i was often disgruntled and seemed completely unable to just smile and 'let things go'. i'm not really sure why i grew to have this attitude when i know that i'm generally not a hateful person. i know i bang on about this hormone stuff a lot, and it doesn't excuse me from being a moody bitch, but the fact that i fell in a heap only a few short months later indicates to me that shit was really brewing under the surface and contributing to my overall feelings of discontentment...it was only a matter of time before my body was going to make me aware of that.

i guess i've come to realise that life really is too short to hold grudges and to remain bitter about relationships that have turned sour or things in life that have caused me pain. i've come to realise that there is no greater relief than to forgive, and maybe not forget- but accept. accept shit that's happened in the past and rather than being filled with anger and resentment, being able to reminisce about the good times and accept everything else as an experience in my journey through life.

T and i talked and this time it was different. i could see that him approaching me wasn't to try and rekindle our former romance or even a booty call, but a genuine attempt at trying to make peace- to acknowledge that although our history together is far from perfect, we shared a connection that is rare to find among two people and it would be a waste to let spite get in the way of putting things right. now i know that some would say 'let sleeping dogs lie', and in a lot of cases i would tend to agree, but in all honesty, it feels so beautiful and liberating to let things go and wish T nothing but happiness in his future relationships and endeavours. i have had boyfriends before T but i'm pretty confident in saying that he was my first 'real love', and as a result i'll always hold a special place in my heart for him, i think that's only natural. i know that as a couple we have issues, but since some time has passed i'm so happy that we can be friends, no bullshit, no jealousy, just an honest, legitimate friendship .

i probably quote american beauty a bit too much, but i think kevin spacey (aka lester burnham) articulates my sentiments exceptionally well.

"i guess i could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. sometimes i feel like i'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. and then i remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. and then it flows through me like rain. and i can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life".