roadtrippin'.

B and i returned from our road trip to melbourne on monday night. apart from the long drive (which was fun in parts, but boring in others) we had a lovely time. every time i visit melbourne i am overcome by a massive urge to pack up and move there because i love the city so much. i wish we were able to cram a bit more into our short stay but time simply escaped us. nonetheless, we caught up with B's sister and met some of her friends, did a bit of shopping, hit the city on saturday night and generally chilled.

i was planning to take a lot of photos, but forgot to get my camera out the majority of the time- hopeless! here are a few snaps i managed to capture on my phone though (apologies for the average quality).

 

after a nice weekend away, i was very upset to return to my parent's house and discover that my seventeen year old cat 'friday' was quite unwell. she's had a tumour on her liver for the last six months or so and although she's continued to live quite comfortably we were warned by the vet that she would gradually deterioate. mum and i took her to the vet and found out her tumour had started to hemorrhage and my precious girl would need to be put down to prevent her from suffering a painful natural death. on tuesday morning i had to say goodbye to my princess which is one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. i was given friday by my grandmother when i was six years old and couldn't have asked for a better companion throughout my childhood/ teenage years. as a child i remember pushing her around in my doll's pram and feeding her warm milk out of a bottle- i literally treated her like a baby. although i hate that my mental illness has forced me to move back home with my parents, i'm so grateful that i've been able to spend the last twelve months with my beautiful kitty.
i already miss seeing her around the house and all her amusing little quirks but i know i'll always have a special place in my heart for her.



weekend getaway.

 

 

with no concrete plans for the australia day long weekend, B and i decided it would be fun to go on a spontaneous road trip to melbourne.

one of my new year's resolutions for 2013 was to 'do more' in the form of travelling, going on random adventures etc. considering i've spent the last twelve months practically a recluse i feel like i have a lot of 'living' to do this year to make up for it. i have a couple of friends who live in melbourne, as does B's sister, so it should be a great weekend of hanging, shopping and exploring one of my favourite cities.

 

photo diary to come so keep an eye out, and of course enjoy your long weekend whatever you have planned!



summer days.

it might be a little premature to declare (and i also don't want to jinx myself) but so far this year has kicked off to a pretty good start. i'm unsure if my recently improved mental state is primarily due to the warm weather and new year festivities, or the fact i've persevered with my treatment on pristiq for several months now. either way i'm hopeful that the last two-three weeks of 'wellness' and 'happiness' will set the tone for the remainder of the year- fingers crossed!

thus far my january has consisted of frolicking along the beach, cute day trips with B through the adelaide hills, eating way too many zooper doopers, going for long walks at sunset with my girlfriend T, crafting my little heart out, catching up with old friends, shopping, shopping and more shopping, organising my return to (hopefully) a semi-normal life (i.e moving back to my city apartment, enrolling in uni again, gaining employment etc).
although my mood has generally lifted i've still had to drag myself through a handful of depressive days, and at times had my old foe anxiety/panic to contend with, however, over time i've gradually learnt a variety of strategies to help me cope better on the 'bad days' and as long as i keep reminding myself that 'this too shall pass' i'm okay.

here are some happy snaps (pun intended)  from the last couple of weeks.

hello 2013.

 

goodbye 2012, hello 2013! i always find myself becoming most nostalgic over the holiday season- this is both a positive and a negative. i have a habit of dwelling on the past and making myself depressed by ruminating about all the aspects that have made me miserable throughout any given year- ie. ill health, missed opportunities, relationships turned sour, various forms of loses etc. 

it's no secret that twenty twelve was a horrible year for me in basically every way so i was very relieved to see the stroke of midnight and welcomed twenty thirteen by promising myself that i'd do everything in my power to ensure that the coming year is a happy, healthy and productive one.

my new years eve was spent at T's boyfriend's shack along the river about twenty minutes away from the town where i grew up. it was such a laid back night and the weather was absolutely perfect. i ended up consuming a little bit too much red wine which resulted in a yucky hangover yesterday morning. this was the first time i'd been drunk in well over 12 months though which is a far cry from my old, loose days of constant binge drinking. unfortunately i didn't capture many photos and the ones that i did take are really blurry. i threw my outfit together at the last minute which consisted of the 'tiger moth slip dress' by one teaspoon, a maroon american apparel bralette, tony bianco sandals, a diva gold spiked necklace, an old sportsgirl bag and my sass and bide'talara' sunglasses- cool and comfortable.

happy new year my lovelies- i hope 2013 is everything you want it to be and more!

feeling festive.

so christmas finally rolled round yesterday- i hope everyone had an awesome day! my day was spent with my mum's side of the family and the boy. we did all the usual things- exchanged presents, ate, drank and soaked up the sun whilst catching up. my mum's side is italian which means there is never any shortage of amazing food at our family gatherings which is both a pro and a con. anyone struggling with weight issues would understand why...

the real highlight for me though was christmas eve. for many years it's been a tradition in my home town for most people around my age to venture to the local pub. it's always a really great night because, like me, many young people move away to the city once they hit eighteen or so to attend uni, establish their own lives etc but christmas is the one occasion where everyone returns to the country and reunites.

for most of the year i've been living in isolation. i hardly go anywhere or see anyone except my immediate family, B, a couple of close friends and my 'recovery team' (ie. psychiatrist, psychologist + hormone specialist). a few months ago you would have been hard pressed to get me in a semi-public place like a cafe let alone a pub, club or bar. i've spent most of the year not only severely depressed and anxious, but ridiculously self-conscious about my appearance due to my hormonal issues (and ectopic pregnancy) wreaking havoc with my hair, skin, weight etc. by some miracle (or perhaps sheer christmas spirit) i managed to muster up enough confidence to go out on christmas eve with one of my closest friends, T and some other girls i used to hang out with- and i'm glad i did! it was so lovely seeing old friends and being social again, and many people commented that it was great to see me out and looking a bit brighter which was kind of them.

i really can't believe 2012 is drawing to an end, however i couldn't be more enthused to see the back end of such a horrible year. 

on that note, i'll leave you with some recent festive photos. 

1. the 'modern' christmas tree i made out of branches for my parent's house (prior to presents being placed underneath). 

2. a few of the goodies i received- still loving the shit out of my wang may i add!

3.  a rare selfie. 

4. my christmas eve outfit (although i replaced the sportsgirl sandals with a pair of black sportsgirl wedges at the last minute). 

5. a little bit drunk and a little bit blurry with my babe, T. 

6. cute chrissy kisses from B. 

coffee + cigarettes.

i've been spending way too much time lazing in the sun on my balcony, smoking, drinking coffee and searching the internet for new items to add to my never-ending wishlist. this is problematic for several reasons...
 

1) i gave up smoking on a regular basis some time ago now. unfortunately B smokes which has kind of tempted me to take up the bad habit again. i do realise, however, that smoking isn't an ideal coping mechanism nor is it making my lungs very happy.
 

2) i've always been a tea kind of girl but lately i've been craving coffee like some kind of addict, despite being well aware that caffeine sends my already sensitive nervous system into overdrive. for me, the only positive outcome of caffeine consumption is that all the nervous energy it generates turns me into a cleaning machine so my apartment is at least kept spotless.
 

3) my miserable bank account cannot afford all my wants, yet i still try to convince it otherwise. when i see something i like i tend to obsess about it until it's in my possession...therefore spending a ridiculous amount of time browsing my favourite online stores is a recipe for financial disaster. i'm trying my hardest to exercise restraint.

on the plus side, all the natural vitamin d i've been absorbing surely must counteract the above to some extent...at least that's what i like to tell myself! the weather lately has simply been too wonderful to stay indoors.

want.

sass and bide 'talara' sunglasses in toirtoiseshell

 

 

 

zimmermann 'flourishing bow' bikini

 

 

 

 

 

vans 'authentic lo pro' in black floral.

 

 

mimco 'nubula chain wrist bracelet' in rose gold

 

 

ksubi 'black cat cee cee roll' shorts

 

tony bianco 'jamelia' sandals in rose gold.

 

 

 

sass and bide 'we own the night' tee

 

 

 

seriously wanting these items for summer! in other news, i've been feeling a bit better of late- i hate to admit it but the anti-depressants probably do help me. i've been staying at my own apartment in the city more and engaging in daily activities that i used to enjoy instead of being curled up in bed all day hoping that the ground will swallow me up. yay!



birthday.

i turned twenty four last thursday.

most people view their birthday as a time of joy and celebration, however, with each year that passes i increasingly dread mine.

instead of accepting that growing older is an inevitable part of life, i tend to be consumed by anxiety that my youth is rapidly slipping away...and i'm not ready to let go.

fortunately i was able to push these worries aside for the majority of the day thanks to my family, a few close friends and a certain boy i've recently been hanging with making the occassion special for me. the weather was perfect so said boy took me on a picnic which involved lots of yummy food and smiles in the sun. i usually try and stick to a 'clean' diet as much as possible but that flew out the window and i indulged in a piece (or two) of nutella birthday cake decorated with an array of lollies which was all kinds of amazing!

another upside to 'getting old' was receiving some awesome gifts and being showered with love + well wishes via text message, facebook and instagram.

definitely reminded me that i am truly blessed with some beautiful people in my life- family, relatives, friends, internet friends etc ♥

i'm crossing my fingers that the next twelve months as a twenty four year old will be a year of good health, happiness and productivity...but to be honest i'll take any kind of improvement from age twenty three, being without a doubt the worst year i've experienced thus far.

1. house of harlow engraved skull necklace + multi toned skull bracelet.
2. birthday cake- so bad but so good!
3. picnic in the sun.

4. marc by marc jacobs rose gold blade watch.

5. beautiful bunch of flowers.
6. the awkward moment when you open a card and it's filled with fake money, haha.

x



future music.

so i got talked into going to future music yesterday. the 'pre-anxiety' me used to hang out for summer just for all the festivals and the oppurtunity to get shit faced..obviously i'm not like that anymore, which is probably a good thing. i was hugely apprehensive about going as right now i honestly couldn't think of anything more anxiety provoking than being stuck amongst thousands of drunk/drugged people in a loud, chaotic environment whilst totally sober. the 'what ifs' also kicked in..what if i have a panic attack? what if i can't escape? what if people think i'm crazy? despite all this mind chatter, i bit the bullet, purchased a ticket and went..and surprisingly had a pretty good day with minimal anxiety. i had xanax in my pocket in case things turned disastrous but didn't need to take any in the end. i suppose this scenario was one of those 'pushing the boundaries' type tests which demonstrated to me that much of the time the anticipatory anxiety leading up to an event is actually worse than the anxiety i experience at the event itself. just one of the many ways my mind tries to sabotage me.

i love it when i catch a glimpse of the 'old' me..when i actually feel semi-normal and temporarily free from the grip of mental illness. this moment came to me while watching chase & status perform, and the wombats, and then again while watching die antwoord go crazy on stage. for a short while everything felt familiar, and it was amazing.

this photo of T and i was taken at about 9pm after a very long, hot and dusty day..hence looking a bit blah! please ignore the douche in the background.

last girl on earth.

what a show, she was aaamazing!

...and has a cute arse

total babe!

beach hangs.

i've been keeping pretty busy lately, it's good. i find the more active i am, the less sluggish i feel overall and the less i dwell on the depressing aspects of my life- it's just hard initially breaking the cycle of lazing/ moping around. yesterday a friend messaged me asking if i wanted to go to the beach with some of her friends. my usual thought process after being invited out somewhere is something like the following:

'hmm..that could be fun..but then i'd have to get ready..and travel all the way there..i guess it's only 30 minutes away..ah but my bed is so comfortable..it would be nice to get some sun though..but then i'd have to reveal my disgusting body..and also put on a happy face around these other people..that takes effort and is draining..but it was sweet of E to invite me considering we aren't that close..i promised myself i would do the dishes today though which will most likely take a few hours..fuck it, i'll make up an excuse not to go'

instead, i bypassed all that indecisive crap and decided to go..and i'm glad i did. it was a beautiful day, the new company was refreshing and the outing didn't involve getting off my face. apart from all that, i really do love the beach.

it's time for things to get better, it's time for things to move on..

boredom + ou est le swimming pool on repeat.

p.s if you haven't bought the new mininstry of sound annual 2011, i suggest you get on it, you'll be dancing around your loungeroom like a crazy girl, like me! amazing.