climbing the walls.

feeling so low right now.

it's the start of the easter long weekend and i'm sitting at home alone in my city apartment trying to fight off chronic depression/ anxiety.

i need some love.

moody.

i am so fucking hungry. i feel like i've got some kind of problem where i constantly crave food. it's disgusting. lucky for me i'm usually too lethargic from being depressed to make regular trips to the supermarket- like right now. as a result i sit around fantasizing about food, debating whether to drag my sorry ass out of the house to fulfill my hunger pains. leaving the house and facing the world would require me to shower, get dressed, do my hair and paint my face on though, all of which i can't be fucked doing.

the upside of starving is the satisfaction i get from controlling myself and not downing a heap of fat-inducing shit. the downside is how moody being hungry makes me. anything and everything fucks me off. so when i'm like this, it's best for me to go to sleep. sleeping is probably my only saviour when i don't want to feel anything, particularly if i don't have access to alcohol or a similar mood-lifting substance.

in other news, T was supposed to come round last night. i stayed up waiting for him to arrive but he never did. i am 98% convinced that shit is going down behind my back. mother fucker.

confusion.

new years eve was spent in the city jumping from one club to the next. drank a fuck load. ate a whole heap of crap i'm now regretting. didn't see the ex even though it was his birthday. got a phone call from the ex ex wanting to catch up (um?). woke up with an insane hangover. remember minimal.

yesterday arvo i hung with this guy friend..well he sat around and watched me get ready/ half cut. we banged a year ago, just a one off thing, he now has a girlfriend. subtle flirting occured and then in my drunken state i stupidly kissed the dude. when we slept together the ex and i were on a break..i feel like things could have evolved between us at the time, but i was so wrapped up in T still i didn't really persue it.

now i wonder why i didn't..this guy is a babe, has his shit together and is a genuinely decent person..but alas, i have a habit of missing the boat. fail.

seriously.

today i'm meant to be applying for jobs. instead it's 1:02pm and i'm still laying in bed. motivation is non existent. i've been craving alcohol for the last 24 hours, so if i do get my shit together it will be purely to head on down to the bottle-o. job hunting can wait for another day.

fml.

bittersweet.

the majority of the time i exist in my own little world. i like this- it's safe and familiar here..i can be the mess that i am without having to justify my actions to any judgemental moron.

there are occassions, however, that i need someone to shake the shit out of me so i tune back into reality. this is one of those occassions. i've spoke loosely about my ex before- he's a douche, plain and simple. but for some unexplainable reason i have this insane connection with him which draws me back in time after time. he is untrustworthy and has a phobia of committment, but he makes me smile and laugh more than anyone i know..he also makes me terribly depressed at times, but that's another story. when i'm with him, i feel like we are one person and i am totally and utterly myself.

my family and friends all hate him, mostly because of the number of times he's hurt me, so when we do eventually end up hanging out again it remains a secret. hanging out usually consists of doing nothing at mine, getting drunk, eating food and having sex.

i know i don't have a future with him, as nice as it is imagining that i do...i also know i'm wasting time being involved with him when i could be pursuing oppurtunities with others who are potential boyfriend material.

ugh, shoot me..or shake me, either or.

frustration.

at the moment i feel like burning my myer store to the ground. i haven't had a shift for two weeks, i can't afford to pay my rent and finding it near impossible to get a second/ another job..or even a mere interview for that matter! if anyone knows of anything going in adelaide, pleeease let me know. i've had nearly seven years retail experience, present myself well and despite sounding like i've escaped from a looney bin on this blog, i am good at keeping my shit together while at work.

hunger strike.

if food wasn't essential for survival, i would be happy never to eat again.

this weight thing has been playing on my mind a lot..to the point where i'm conscious of everything i swallow. i stare at myself in the mirror on a daily basis and see the deposits of fat that have formed around my hips, stomach and thighs, and it kills me. since i was fifteen or so i've always been a bit weight obsessed. i've never had a full blown eating disorder or anything, but there have been periods over the years where i've severely restricted my food intake in order to remain a certain size or number on the scales..when everything around you is chaos, it's comforting knowing you have control over at least one aspect in your life. i long to see my collar bones protruding again and a significant gap between my thighs. maybe, just maybe if i were thinner he would have stayed..maybe he wouldn't have left me for that skinny bitch.

lost cause.

my throat is killing me from my stomach being pumped on saturday night and i'm feeling pretty down and dejected overall. according to my friend i'm "beyond help"..nice, but realistically she's probably right. she contacted my mum and told her i attempted to overdose which is definitely not true. it was nothing short of an accident. so now my mum is losing her shit thinking i'm suicidal again. she worries like crazy because i'm alone in the city which i suppose is understandable.

i wish so badly to be just 'normal'.

a beautiful mess.

last night i ended up being rushed to hospital in an ambulance and put on a drip. vodka + anti depressants + an empty stomach don't mix well, apparently. why do i feel the need to be so self-destructive?

this photo was taken during the better half of the night...hai kitty.

karma.

seriously, is there such a thing?

some people, as shit as they are, seem invincible and it makes me wonder if every dog truly does have its day...

the calm before the storm.

currently sitting on my balcony, cup of green tea in hand, watching the world pass below me. it's one of those days where the sky is overcast and the air is very still. any moment now it'll start pouring with rain. the weather is somewhat a reflection of my state of mind right now- cloudy, eerily still, on the edge. after having a panic attack yesterday and being taken to hospital thanks to my own stupidity, i'm back on these darn meds and have resorted to doing this the doctor's way, because i suppose she knows best and all..withdrawals have tapered off at least, now i'm just left feeling hollow.

after the week i've had, i think i need some retail therapy so will be heading to the city later this evening. i've had my eye on a peach romper from forever new, a sass and bide tee (unsure of the name) and a wish drapy singlet. i've also got an amazing pair of wedges on layby at sportsgirl so may pick those up too. will post pics of my purchases in the near future.

in the words of cassie, "it's like, hazy days..you know?"

coming down.

i've decided i don't want to be on anti-depressants anymore. i've been dwelling on this thought for several days now, weighing up the pros and the cons of being on meds. those around me who i've mentioned the idea to think i'm completely crazy of course, particularly my mother who made statements such as "i don't think you're ready to come off them". my question is, exactly when and how do you know if you're ready to come off meds, especially if you are a long time sufferer of depression? i mean i know with or without them i will always still have 'down days', it's just the nature of the beast. i don't want to take meds forever, that wasn't the idea when i initially started taking them..they were supposed to help me rise from a very dark place, which i think they have succeeded at to a degree.

i guess i don't like the thought of having to rely on a drug to enable me to function on an everyday basis, and i think this is what it's coming to. about a month ago i ran out of pills and for whatever reason wasn't able to get to a chemist to put in another prescription so went three or so days without and started experiencing the awful withdrawals. chronic nausea, aggitation, dizziness and the feeling that my brain was shaking inside my skull.

i have an appointment with my doctor on tuesday to discuss this matter. i think i need to do this for myself, regardless of what others think. i don't want chemicals to rule my body anymore, but on the flip side i'm hoping i won't slip back into major depression without them.

"i love the way you lie"

no, i hate it...asshole.

going home..

for a rest..mother thinks i need it..as does my psych, maybe i do.

same shit, different person.

am i not worthy of happiness?

so i'm feeling pretty fragile at the moment. i feel as though any sort of criticism or rejection is a personal attack and a massive blow to my already low self-esteem. the logical side of me knows this sort of mindset is crazy and irrational, i mean, get over it...but the emotional side always seems to get the better of me.

on a brighter note, heading to the city today to make some purchases..

my list includes some MAC goodies, pretty underwear and a knit from sportsgirl i've had my eye on.

thanks for nothing, yet again.

feeling flat today and generally disgruntled. i don't know what to do with myself when i get like this apart from sleep and wait until it passes.

i've made a decision to plough out the toxic people in my life, because more often than not i'm left wondering why i'm associated with people who tend to bring me down or constantly disappoint. it's usually him, despite the fact we aren't together anymore..i'm convinced he tries to keep me as a back up plan by lingering around, and then when i start to feel as though i may be able to rely on him a little, may be able to let my guard down again, he leaves. it's an emotional drain, similar to the past 18 months of him being in my life. i'm fed up with feeling like i'm good enough one day and not the next. i'm tired of making excuses for his lies and shit behaviour, behaviour that i've had to learn to accept. i've said it so many times before, but i think it's time to make a clean break, no going back...it may be the only way i'll be able to truly move on and find myself again, because right now i'm taking one step forward and two steps back.

On the subject of toxicity, i think it would be best for me to drift away from certain 'friends' who time after time prove their worth as self-absorbed, using, two-faced individuals.

i'm hoping the saying "when one door closes, another one opens" will ring true in my situation, otherwise i may find myself a very lonely girl.

trust.

we have nothing without it.
and honestly it's too late,
too much has happened,
too much hurt,
too much pain,
the lies, time and time again.

enough is enough,
time to let go.