making peace.

those who have followed my blog from the beginning will know that my turbulent relationship with T has been a significant part of my life over the last 2-3 years. even after he left adelaide early last year, we still remained in contact semi-regularly until i totally cut ties with him just after i got ill. to be honest, even if i wanted to continue our 'on-off relationship', which was nothing short of destructive to the both of us, i was so disabled by my unexpected plunge into psychological mayhem that for the first time since having met T i knew that i literally did not have the mental capacity to play anymore games and my health had to become my number one priority. we hadn't engaged in any form of communication for over ten months, in fact the last i heard he had a new girlfriend. then the other day i randomly received a facebook message from him asking how i was going. i had mixed feelings about hearing from him, partly because i was wary of his intentions (he's always had a knack for waltzing in and out of my life at his leisure and managing to make me become hooked on him all over again) and partly because so much has happened to me since we last spoke. i feel very guarded right now because of how fragile i've been both mentally and physically since i became ill. i feel i need to protect myself from any unnecessary drama that has the potential to be too emotionally draining.

despite this, being ill for such a long period of time has taught me so many valuable lessons which i am very grateful for. this time last year i would have described myself as an A-grade hater. to put it bluntly, so many things fucked me off. i was often disgruntled and seemed completely unable to just smile and 'let things go'. i'm not really sure why i grew to have this attitude when i know that i'm generally not a hateful person. i know i bang on about this hormone stuff a lot, and it doesn't excuse me from being a moody bitch, but the fact that i fell in a heap only a few short months later indicates to me that shit was really brewing under the surface and contributing to my overall feelings of discontentment...it was only a matter of time before my body was going to make me aware of that.

i guess i've come to realise that life really is too short to hold grudges and to remain bitter about relationships that have turned sour or things in life that have caused me pain. i've come to realise that there is no greater relief than to forgive, and maybe not forget- but accept. accept shit that's happened in the past and rather than being filled with anger and resentment, being able to reminisce about the good times and accept everything else as an experience in my journey through life.

T and i talked and this time it was different. i could see that him approaching me wasn't to try and rekindle our former romance or even a booty call, but a genuine attempt at trying to make peace- to acknowledge that although our history together is far from perfect, we shared a connection that is rare to find among two people and it would be a waste to let spite get in the way of putting things right. now i know that some would say 'let sleeping dogs lie', and in a lot of cases i would tend to agree, but in all honesty, it feels so beautiful and liberating to let things go and wish T nothing but happiness in his future relationships and endeavours. i have had boyfriends before T but i'm pretty confident in saying that he was my first 'real love', and as a result i'll always hold a special place in my heart for him, i think that's only natural. i know that as a couple we have issues, but since some time has passed i'm so happy that we can be friends, no bullshit, no jealousy, just an honest, legitimate friendship .

i probably quote american beauty a bit too much, but i think kevin spacey (aka lester burnham) articulates my sentiments exceptionally well.

"i guess i could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. sometimes i feel like i'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. and then i remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. and then it flows through me like rain. and i can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life".

smitten.

after being in a shitty mood all day and hating on old v-day tomorrow, T randomly dropped by and surprised me with this..

totally unexpected and out of character for him so i'm very chuffed ♥

fat.

really been struggling lately and it's getting me down. if only i had more will power to stop myself from eating. whenever i go out in public i find myself analyzing other girl's bodies; their thighs, their stomachs, their arms and ass. whenever i walk past a shop window or mirror and see a reflection of myself i feel like crying. this is fucked.

on another note, T came around last night. i'm glad he's back, i can't handle the rejection and i think he's the only one that can tolerate me and my stupid issues.

moody.

i am so fucking hungry. i feel like i've got some kind of problem where i constantly crave food. it's disgusting. lucky for me i'm usually too lethargic from being depressed to make regular trips to the supermarket- like right now. as a result i sit around fantasizing about food, debating whether to drag my sorry ass out of the house to fulfill my hunger pains. leaving the house and facing the world would require me to shower, get dressed, do my hair and paint my face on though, all of which i can't be fucked doing.

the upside of starving is the satisfaction i get from controlling myself and not downing a heap of fat-inducing shit. the downside is how moody being hungry makes me. anything and everything fucks me off. so when i'm like this, it's best for me to go to sleep. sleeping is probably my only saviour when i don't want to feel anything, particularly if i don't have access to alcohol or a similar mood-lifting substance.

in other news, T was supposed to come round last night. i stayed up waiting for him to arrive but he never did. i am 98% convinced that shit is going down behind my back. mother fucker.

bittersweet.

the majority of the time i exist in my own little world. i like this- it's safe and familiar here..i can be the mess that i am without having to justify my actions to any judgemental moron.

there are occassions, however, that i need someone to shake the shit out of me so i tune back into reality. this is one of those occassions. i've spoke loosely about my ex before- he's a douche, plain and simple. but for some unexplainable reason i have this insane connection with him which draws me back in time after time. he is untrustworthy and has a phobia of committment, but he makes me smile and laugh more than anyone i know..he also makes me terribly depressed at times, but that's another story. when i'm with him, i feel like we are one person and i am totally and utterly myself.

my family and friends all hate him, mostly because of the number of times he's hurt me, so when we do eventually end up hanging out again it remains a secret. hanging out usually consists of doing nothing at mine, getting drunk, eating food and having sex.

i know i don't have a future with him, as nice as it is imagining that i do...i also know i'm wasting time being involved with him when i could be pursuing oppurtunities with others who are potential boyfriend material.

ugh, shoot me..or shake me, either or.

slump.

sitting at home on a friday night alone. i don't even have a bottle of alcohol to drown my sorrows in.

been in an irritable mood all day, partly because i've been plugging away at a 4000 word report basically non-stop for the past 48 hours..nothing like leaving things till the last minute hey..and partly because this week has just been flat out crap. i'm not sure if i've mentioned this in previous posts but my (low life) ex boyfriend and i had been hanging out again (um, what in the world was i thinking) the past month or so..like usual he decided to do a runner straight back into the arms of the girl he cheated on me with throughout our relationship. this has happened maybe fifty times now..but hey, who's counting?! done. done. done. only problem is he has a key to my apartment which he is refusing to give back..so i've spent most of the week trying to chase that up with no success.

pretty well hating on the male kind at the moment. i would be all too happy if every lying, cheating, bastard would just go drown themselves in a lake, because quite frankly, i don't think they deserve to be here if their soul purpose in life is to drag girls through hell and back.

karma.

seriously, is there such a thing?

some people, as shit as they are, seem invincible and it makes me wonder if every dog truly does have its day...

disappointment is..

when you literally feel your heart sink.
when you try to fool yourself from believing the inevitable, but deep down you know the truth.
when you don't know whether to cry, scream or remain silent.
when you sigh both externally and internally.
when you give your all and get minimal in return.
when you've been here...many times before.

probably my most felt emotion.

"i love the way you lie"

no, i hate it...asshole.

same shit, different person.

am i not worthy of happiness?

so i'm feeling pretty fragile at the moment. i feel as though any sort of criticism or rejection is a personal attack and a massive blow to my already low self-esteem. the logical side of me knows this sort of mindset is crazy and irrational, i mean, get over it...but the emotional side always seems to get the better of me.

on a brighter note, heading to the city today to make some purchases..

my list includes some MAC goodies, pretty underwear and a knit from sportsgirl i've had my eye on.

thanks for nothing, yet again.

feeling flat today and generally disgruntled. i don't know what to do with myself when i get like this apart from sleep and wait until it passes.

i've made a decision to plough out the toxic people in my life, because more often than not i'm left wondering why i'm associated with people who tend to bring me down or constantly disappoint. it's usually him, despite the fact we aren't together anymore..i'm convinced he tries to keep me as a back up plan by lingering around, and then when i start to feel as though i may be able to rely on him a little, may be able to let my guard down again, he leaves. it's an emotional drain, similar to the past 18 months of him being in my life. i'm fed up with feeling like i'm good enough one day and not the next. i'm tired of making excuses for his lies and shit behaviour, behaviour that i've had to learn to accept. i've said it so many times before, but i think it's time to make a clean break, no going back...it may be the only way i'll be able to truly move on and find myself again, because right now i'm taking one step forward and two steps back.

On the subject of toxicity, i think it would be best for me to drift away from certain 'friends' who time after time prove their worth as self-absorbed, using, two-faced individuals.

i'm hoping the saying "when one door closes, another one opens" will ring true in my situation, otherwise i may find myself a very lonely girl.

ridin' solo..

that i am..and it's not that bad.

four months ago i thought my entire world would crumble.


edit- i take this back.

trust.

we have nothing without it.
and honestly it's too late,
too much has happened,
too much hurt,
too much pain,
the lies, time and time again.

enough is enough,
time to let go.