i haven't been posting anywhere as near as often as i'd like to- truth is i'm still trying to get my stupid body sorted out so i'm very up and down at the moment. i resemble a person suffering from bipolar, even though i know my unstable emotions/mood is soely due to my fluctuating hormones and the accompanying treatment to get everything balanced.
my psychologist, psychiatrist and endocrinologist are all in agreement that my mental illness (not just recent, but for the past five years or more) is predominantly biological. i am so relieved that finally a logical explanation has been found to justify my abnormal mindset/ behaviour and why i haven't responded particularly well to therapy. my psychiatrist has described the depression i've been experiencing as melancholic which is a particularly severe subtype of major depression and a consequence of my hormonal imbalance, along with the generalized anxiety.
maybe once, sometimes twice a week i have a 'good' day (when all my hormones are playing nicely i suspect), and fuck it feels amazing. it feels like i'm seeing the world for the very first time- the colours are so vibrant, the sounds are so intense (no, i'm not blazed, nor am i high on xanax or valium). i feel uplifted, optimistic and at peace with myself. on these days i feel like the haze that i'm always forced to view the world through evaporates and everything is so damn extraordinary. i am simply grateful just to be alive, to be breathing, to feel the warm glow of the sun on my skin. i feel almost euphoric and for the duration of the 'good' day can't even believe that i toy with the idea of suicide on a regular basis. alas, these moods are fleeting, and as much as i try to hold onto these feelings as tighly as possible they soon slip away and again i am consumed by deep depression and anxiety.
i am learning not to be disappointed when my dark mood returns. i am also learning not to focus too much on trying to make the euphoric feeling linger for longer than it is willing to stay. i have decided that while i'm feeling 'good' i will simply enjoy it..embrace it..and be as productive as possible while i have some zest for life circulating through me. these windows of wellness are a taste of how much better i could feel indefinitely once i'm fully recovered and demonstrate to me that this long and exhausting battle is worth the fight.
i am excited to be well, and not just half-assed well, but truly well so i can be uninhibited from being the happy, confident, creative, ambitious, kind, affectionate person i know that i am at the core of my personality. i am excited to achieve my goals and pursue my dreams, to appreciate the small things, travel, reunite with old friends and meet new ones. i am excited to regain my independence, move back to my apartment, study, take up new hobbies, and last but certainly not least work again so i can cross off some of the items i haven't been able to afford recently on my evergrowing wishlist! (hello alexander wang, acne, marc by marc jacobs, wildfox..)
i'm only writing this post because i'm feeling relatively positive right now. tomorrow this could change, but i'm okay with that.
p.s you're probably bound to see more action out of me on instagram than on here at the moment. my username is rhiannon_skye (yes, that is also my real name- i've been reluctant to reveal it thus far, but eh). feel free to follow me!
