summer days.

it might be a little premature to declare (and i also don't want to jinx myself) but so far this year has kicked off to a pretty good start. i'm unsure if my recently improved mental state is primarily due to the warm weather and new year festivities, or the fact i've persevered with my treatment on pristiq for several months now. either way i'm hopeful that the last two-three weeks of 'wellness' and 'happiness' will set the tone for the remainder of the year- fingers crossed!

thus far my january has consisted of frolicking along the beach, cute day trips with B through the adelaide hills, eating way too many zooper doopers, going for long walks at sunset with my girlfriend T, crafting my little heart out, catching up with old friends, shopping, shopping and more shopping, organising my return to (hopefully) a semi-normal life (i.e moving back to my city apartment, enrolling in uni again, gaining employment etc).
although my mood has generally lifted i've still had to drag myself through a handful of depressive days, and at times had my old foe anxiety/panic to contend with, however, over time i've gradually learnt a variety of strategies to help me cope better on the 'bad days' and as long as i keep reminding myself that 'this too shall pass' i'm okay.

here are some happy snaps (pun intended)  from the last couple of weeks.

hello 2013.

 

goodbye 2012, hello 2013! i always find myself becoming most nostalgic over the holiday season- this is both a positive and a negative. i have a habit of dwelling on the past and making myself depressed by ruminating about all the aspects that have made me miserable throughout any given year- ie. ill health, missed opportunities, relationships turned sour, various forms of loses etc. 

it's no secret that twenty twelve was a horrible year for me in basically every way so i was very relieved to see the stroke of midnight and welcomed twenty thirteen by promising myself that i'd do everything in my power to ensure that the coming year is a happy, healthy and productive one.

my new years eve was spent at T's boyfriend's shack along the river about twenty minutes away from the town where i grew up. it was such a laid back night and the weather was absolutely perfect. i ended up consuming a little bit too much red wine which resulted in a yucky hangover yesterday morning. this was the first time i'd been drunk in well over 12 months though which is a far cry from my old, loose days of constant binge drinking. unfortunately i didn't capture many photos and the ones that i did take are really blurry. i threw my outfit together at the last minute which consisted of the 'tiger moth slip dress' by one teaspoon, a maroon american apparel bralette, tony bianco sandals, a diva gold spiked necklace, an old sportsgirl bag and my sass and bide'talara' sunglasses- cool and comfortable.

happy new year my lovelies- i hope 2013 is everything you want it to be and more!

feeling festive.

so christmas finally rolled round yesterday- i hope everyone had an awesome day! my day was spent with my mum's side of the family and the boy. we did all the usual things- exchanged presents, ate, drank and soaked up the sun whilst catching up. my mum's side is italian which means there is never any shortage of amazing food at our family gatherings which is both a pro and a con. anyone struggling with weight issues would understand why...

the real highlight for me though was christmas eve. for many years it's been a tradition in my home town for most people around my age to venture to the local pub. it's always a really great night because, like me, many young people move away to the city once they hit eighteen or so to attend uni, establish their own lives etc but christmas is the one occasion where everyone returns to the country and reunites.

for most of the year i've been living in isolation. i hardly go anywhere or see anyone except my immediate family, B, a couple of close friends and my 'recovery team' (ie. psychiatrist, psychologist + hormone specialist). a few months ago you would have been hard pressed to get me in a semi-public place like a cafe let alone a pub, club or bar. i've spent most of the year not only severely depressed and anxious, but ridiculously self-conscious about my appearance due to my hormonal issues (and ectopic pregnancy) wreaking havoc with my hair, skin, weight etc. by some miracle (or perhaps sheer christmas spirit) i managed to muster up enough confidence to go out on christmas eve with one of my closest friends, T and some other girls i used to hang out with- and i'm glad i did! it was so lovely seeing old friends and being social again, and many people commented that it was great to see me out and looking a bit brighter which was kind of them.

i really can't believe 2012 is drawing to an end, however i couldn't be more enthused to see the back end of such a horrible year. 

on that note, i'll leave you with some recent festive photos. 

1. the 'modern' christmas tree i made out of branches for my parent's house (prior to presents being placed underneath). 

2. a few of the goodies i received- still loving the shit out of my wang may i add!

3.  a rare selfie. 

4. my christmas eve outfit (although i replaced the sportsgirl sandals with a pair of black sportsgirl wedges at the last minute). 

5. a little bit drunk and a little bit blurry with my babe, T. 

6. cute chrissy kisses from B. 

wang.

 

 

today i received a very exciting surprise in the form of an alexander wang diego!

considering i've been lusting over this bag for ages now i thought acquiring one deserved its own post.

B has had to listen to me rave on about how perfect the diego is for months now so without me knowing he took advantage of shopbop's recent sale which included alexander wang and bought me my own baby with rose gold hardware.

technically it's my christmas present from him but knowing how over the moon i'd be when unwrapping the parcel he couldn't wait until the 25th, but i'm not fussed!

and might i add, the diego definitely did not disappoint- i can't stop staring at it, it's so stunning.

i know some people have been turned off by its weight, and i'll admit, it's probably the heaviest bag i've owned but i'm more than happy to overlook this minor downfall because i'm in love with the style and the rose gold is so pretty.

 

i'm definitely one happy girl right now!



"and in that moment i swear we are infinite"

i'm so excited to see this! the novel by stephen chbosky was one of my absolute favourites as a teenager as i could relate to the main character charlie so much.
i really hope the film closely resembles the book.  

birthday.

i turned twenty four last thursday.

most people view their birthday as a time of joy and celebration, however, with each year that passes i increasingly dread mine.

instead of accepting that growing older is an inevitable part of life, i tend to be consumed by anxiety that my youth is rapidly slipping away...and i'm not ready to let go.

fortunately i was able to push these worries aside for the majority of the day thanks to my family, a few close friends and a certain boy i've recently been hanging with making the occassion special for me. the weather was perfect so said boy took me on a picnic which involved lots of yummy food and smiles in the sun. i usually try and stick to a 'clean' diet as much as possible but that flew out the window and i indulged in a piece (or two) of nutella birthday cake decorated with an array of lollies which was all kinds of amazing!

another upside to 'getting old' was receiving some awesome gifts and being showered with love + well wishes via text message, facebook and instagram.

definitely reminded me that i am truly blessed with some beautiful people in my life- family, relatives, friends, internet friends etc ♥

i'm crossing my fingers that the next twelve months as a twenty four year old will be a year of good health, happiness and productivity...but to be honest i'll take any kind of improvement from age twenty three, being without a doubt the worst year i've experienced thus far.

1. house of harlow engraved skull necklace + multi toned skull bracelet.
2. birthday cake- so bad but so good!
3. picnic in the sun.

4. marc by marc jacobs rose gold blade watch.

5. beautiful bunch of flowers.
6. the awkward moment when you open a card and it's filled with fake money, haha.

x



spring is in the air.

 

 

 

after a particularly dark winter (both literally and metaphorically) i'm delighted that the warmer weather is now upon us. i've always found the return of spring to be naturally uplifting, perhaps because the season encapsulates the ideas of 'rebirth' and 'renewal' which provides someone like me with a glimmer of hope for improved wellbeing...or perhaps because it signifies the gradual winding down of another year i've somehow managed to scrape myself through. either way, i've been longing for clear, blue skies and to feel the first golden rays of the season warm my bare skin. for the air to be infused with the sweet fragrance of blossoming florals and to laze on a carpet of lush green amongst the swaying dandelions.

fashion wise, i'm envisioning a wardrobe consisting of a neutral colour palette with splashes of neon brights and gelati pastels. abstract floral and geometric prints. intricate lace and sheer textures. lots of rose-hued metal and understated jewellery. fresh makeup and melon toned lipstick.

aside from these whimsical musings, i am also a spring baby at heart- turning twenty four in fourteen days...i can hardly believe it.


making peace.

those who have followed my blog from the beginning will know that my turbulent relationship with T has been a significant part of my life over the last 2-3 years. even after he left adelaide early last year, we still remained in contact semi-regularly until i totally cut ties with him just after i got ill. to be honest, even if i wanted to continue our 'on-off relationship', which was nothing short of destructive to the both of us, i was so disabled by my unexpected plunge into psychological mayhem that for the first time since having met T i knew that i literally did not have the mental capacity to play anymore games and my health had to become my number one priority. we hadn't engaged in any form of communication for over ten months, in fact the last i heard he had a new girlfriend. then the other day i randomly received a facebook message from him asking how i was going. i had mixed feelings about hearing from him, partly because i was wary of his intentions (he's always had a knack for waltzing in and out of my life at his leisure and managing to make me become hooked on him all over again) and partly because so much has happened to me since we last spoke. i feel very guarded right now because of how fragile i've been both mentally and physically since i became ill. i feel i need to protect myself from any unnecessary drama that has the potential to be too emotionally draining.

despite this, being ill for such a long period of time has taught me so many valuable lessons which i am very grateful for. this time last year i would have described myself as an A-grade hater. to put it bluntly, so many things fucked me off. i was often disgruntled and seemed completely unable to just smile and 'let things go'. i'm not really sure why i grew to have this attitude when i know that i'm generally not a hateful person. i know i bang on about this hormone stuff a lot, and it doesn't excuse me from being a moody bitch, but the fact that i fell in a heap only a few short months later indicates to me that shit was really brewing under the surface and contributing to my overall feelings of discontentment...it was only a matter of time before my body was going to make me aware of that.

i guess i've come to realise that life really is too short to hold grudges and to remain bitter about relationships that have turned sour or things in life that have caused me pain. i've come to realise that there is no greater relief than to forgive, and maybe not forget- but accept. accept shit that's happened in the past and rather than being filled with anger and resentment, being able to reminisce about the good times and accept everything else as an experience in my journey through life.

T and i talked and this time it was different. i could see that him approaching me wasn't to try and rekindle our former romance or even a booty call, but a genuine attempt at trying to make peace- to acknowledge that although our history together is far from perfect, we shared a connection that is rare to find among two people and it would be a waste to let spite get in the way of putting things right. now i know that some would say 'let sleeping dogs lie', and in a lot of cases i would tend to agree, but in all honesty, it feels so beautiful and liberating to let things go and wish T nothing but happiness in his future relationships and endeavours. i have had boyfriends before T but i'm pretty confident in saying that he was my first 'real love', and as a result i'll always hold a special place in my heart for him, i think that's only natural. i know that as a couple we have issues, but since some time has passed i'm so happy that we can be friends, no bullshit, no jealousy, just an honest, legitimate friendship .

i probably quote american beauty a bit too much, but i think kevin spacey (aka lester burnham) articulates my sentiments exceptionally well.

"i guess i could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. sometimes i feel like i'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. and then i remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. and then it flows through me like rain. and i can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life".