bittersweet.

the majority of the time i exist in my own little world. i like this- it's safe and familiar here..i can be the mess that i am without having to justify my actions to any judgemental moron.

there are occassions, however, that i need someone to shake the shit out of me so i tune back into reality. this is one of those occassions. i've spoke loosely about my ex before- he's a douche, plain and simple. but for some unexplainable reason i have this insane connection with him which draws me back in time after time. he is untrustworthy and has a phobia of committment, but he makes me smile and laugh more than anyone i know..he also makes me terribly depressed at times, but that's another story. when i'm with him, i feel like we are one person and i am totally and utterly myself.

my family and friends all hate him, mostly because of the number of times he's hurt me, so when we do eventually end up hanging out again it remains a secret. hanging out usually consists of doing nothing at mine, getting drunk, eating food and having sex.

i know i don't have a future with him, as nice as it is imagining that i do...i also know i'm wasting time being involved with him when i could be pursuing oppurtunities with others who are potential boyfriend material.

ugh, shoot me..or shake me, either or.