if food wasn't essential for survival, i would be happy never to eat again.
this weight thing has been playing on my mind a lot..to the point where i'm conscious of everything i swallow. i stare at myself in the mirror on a daily basis and see the deposits of fat that have formed around my hips, stomach and thighs, and it kills me. since i was fifteen or so i've always been a bit weight obsessed. i've never had a full blown eating disorder or anything, but there have been periods over the years where i've severely restricted my food intake in order to remain a certain size or number on the scales..when everything around you is chaos, it's comforting knowing you have control over at least one aspect in your life. i long to see my collar bones protruding again and a significant gap between my thighs. maybe, just maybe if i were thinner he would have stayed..maybe he wouldn't have left me for that skinny bitch.
be careful hun. Just speaking from experience, this kind of negative self talk is really not good. You don't want to develop a full blown eating disorder, trust me they're absolutely hell. They lure you in, with thoughts like this and collar bones and hip bones and the power is just so enticing. It's not worth it though. I'm sure deep down you know this.
ReplyDeleteI highly doubt that your weight had anything whatsoever to do with him leaving. I know my comment will probably go unnoticed, or ignored, dismissed with a 'what would she know', but please talk to me if you need to, don't even hesitate. I know more than enough about these feelings, having suffered with an eating disorder since age 11. No judgement, whatsoever. I do worry, because I really like your blog, and I think that from reading it I know you a little, and I like you too. (sorry if that is hell creepy)
You're worth more than these negative thoughts about yourself, and the misery.
You may not have had a full blown eating disorder, but you could have one so I really suggest you see someone or call an eating disorders helpline number in your state for help. I work with people with eating disorder and body image issues and you don't need to feel like this.
ReplyDeleteThe best way that you can feel good about yourself hun is a healthy diet, and exercise.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you have heard that before. So had I - yet I thought that the easiest way to be at a certain weight was to limit my food intake.
My weight plumeted, I had no energy, I always had black circles around my eyes, people asked where my vibrance for life went - and I WASNT attractive in any way shape or form.
Write a food diary if you have to - but keep your calories at a healthy amount. And exercise. I cannot tell you the amazing feeling I get from finishing a 10 km run, or doing weights... AND being able to eat! My body formed in to something much more amazing and in Summer time i can proudly strut around knowing I worked hard and that I look and feel good, and that i'm happy. And I SMILE because I think about life and what i can do and learn next - not about FOOD.
Boys don't find deathly skinny girls attractive unfortunately. And if they do - they arent the ones you should be looking to find something special with, because down the track, they'll break you down, make you stay at a certain weight and guess what - you'll probably live unhappily ever after.
Live life the healthy way - and if you can't do that, maybe you need to seek some professional help. But I hope my message has at least slightly convinced you to take the better road.
Oh and can i just say... you are absolutely stunning and beautiful as you are! Smile hun - you have a lot to live for, ride a bike, go on a hike, swim under a waterfall, keep fit, eat well, never limit yourself and just make the most of it okay? Get to know your body and those negative thoughts will soon be a passing memory xo
Being skinny isn't everything. It isn't cool, isn't fabulous. It sure is THE thing for reasons I still cannot comprehend. Size 0 for example, what is that? Just be of a healthy weight because in the end, what's important is how healthy you really are. And if he did leave you for a skinny person for you were less skinny, I don't think I've ever heard of anyone more stupid. It would take less than 20 doughnuts to turn her into a fat fat person. You take care! :)
ReplyDeleteIf you want any advice on nutrition or exercise, let me know. My boyfriend is a personal trainer and I have a strong interest in both topics. The things you want can be achieved through healthy eating and exercise (I achieved a thigh gap by doing weights!). There is so much I've learned in the past year after reading extensively and trying things practically.
ReplyDeleteBut PLEASE contact me if you'd like to talk further about these things!