i have a bad habit of abandoning this blog when i feel like i'm doing 'okay' in life and i feel terribly guilty for this. blogging combined with the unwavering support of my followers has always given me the strength to see through another day/ week/month when i've been on the verge of admitting defeat, therefore i feel disappointed in myself for not continuing to write even when my health has somewhat improved.
i suppose the truth is i've been feeling relatively well over the last few months...as well as can be having my brain chemistry anyway, and instead of spending days on end wallowing in depression/ writing about how shitty i feel i've actually been out in the world living (a major accomplishment for anyone who has been following my journey over the past 18 months).
'living' or 're-building' myself has consisted of the following:
enrolling in uni again part-time to continue my masters in counselling and psychotherapy that i had to defer last year.
starting a little 'business' selling my dream catchers.
socialising with old friends and attending birthdays/ other events instead of declining every invitation that comes my way.
living in my own place again/ trying to be independent.
applying for jobs.
the last week though i've crashed, and quite unexpectedly at that. i knew it would be difficult trying to reclaim my old life after being in a warped reality for such a long period of time, however i thought i had adequately prepared myself for the hurdles i'd have to overcome. as i mentioned, i've been applying for jobs recently as i finally feel stable enough to return to employment...i know that these days landing a job, even a retail job at that isn't always easy, however i didn't quite prepare myself for the battering my fragile ego would cop from being rejected by potential employers.
i've had a couple of interviews which haven't been successful for a couple of reasons.
a) i become so anxious when i know i'm required to impress a manager/ sell myself that my brain totally freezes and anything constructive i had planned to say evaporates in my head.
b) the fact i haven't been employed for eighteen months due to (mental) illness is pretty unappealing despite my experience prior to quitting my last job and the fact i have a psychology degree under my belt.
c) when i'm agitated i come across as aloof and cold which is the total opposite of my actual personality if i was feeling calm. i have considered dosing myself up on valium before an interview to ease my anxiety, however i'd probably come across as a complete space cadet then and i don't know what is worse!
after a couple of knock backs the little self-confidence i had built up took a nose dive and my optimism started to fade. combine this with a few consecutive low days and my old friend depression is perched back on my shoulder whispering those self-loathing sentiments in my ear again.
i ran into my old manager the other day and she offered me my job back at jigsaw, however i really feel like it is important for me to start fresh somewhere...although i suppose beggars can't be choosy can they.
Oh Hun, I hope things pick up for you. Everyone is still here supporting you x
ReplyDeleteI lost my job recently for the first time, and I totally understand that paralysing fear and loss of confidence. I'm about to start a new one but am secretly terrified I will screw it up!
I have ten years experience in my work field and have been job hunting since last year. It's not you, it's our shitty, shitty economy so please don't take the rejection personally.
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely not alone in letting lengthy job searches affect your confidence. My boyfriend, who finished his psych degree last year, is still looking for a job and feels down with every rejection letter.
ReplyDeleteEven though I never did psych, I still believe these times in life can help us build resilience and determination if we let it. All the best <3
Also another person who had trouble finding employment and sympathise! If you're in a real pickle with work, I would accept the old job back if it were me, as finding something different could be months down the track. Plus, you would already know the job, the routines, etc.
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